At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
