i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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