youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Randomize
