Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
