My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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