I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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