I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
