God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
