is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
