i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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