i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
