I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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