i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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