I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
