Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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