Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Semen is not good for contacts.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
