dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
