My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
So many bounce houses so little time
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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