so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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