a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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