When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
