Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
