Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
