how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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