Will you blow on my dice?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
