I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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