god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
