K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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