I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
