cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
