i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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