He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
