Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
