I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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