We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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