1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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