you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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