i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
