I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
