you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
