Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
