who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
