I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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