My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
