I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
