Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
