Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
