you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
