people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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