Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
