I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
