This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
