how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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