Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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