She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I would fuck him just for his dog
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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