the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
