too bad you live with your parents still
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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