i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
You pole danced in your parka.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
