I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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