I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Why did my mother make you get naked?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
