I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Randomize