I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Randomize
