he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize