if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
