she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
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