I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
