Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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