So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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