the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
